Sneak a peek into the life of a single, 20-something female who is not in the entertainment industry and who does not have fake breasts. Yes, we do exist. What you are about to read is based on fact and is not for the weak of stomach. You have been warned.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Gotta Love So Cal
This was the front page of the LA Times today. Please note the caption which reads (since I'm sure you don't have a microscope near by): "The sun, sea, beachgoers and a boat provide all the elements of a quintessential Southern California scene near the Santa Monica Pier. It looks as if it could be a warm summer day, but the high Tuesday was just 63." Brrrrr. I will say this. We are spoiled rotten. And those "beachgoers"? Tourists. They were soaking up the rays and I was running around in a jacket, scarf and boots. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm warm.
Today is going to be brief because I have to save some of the good stuff for my shrink and also, I did nothing but write Holiday Cards and do my nails last night. Exciting, I know. You're thinking, "Settle down, Rachel." I'll try - just for you.
Two things though. First and foremost, if your office or your home has containers with packets of condiments in it - don't mix. This morning I rolled into work - just dying for a mug of green tea and honey (a nasty cold is going around and I'll be damned if I get it). I reached into the jar that holds our honey packets and poured one into my steaming cup of hot tea. Mmmmmm. But, to my disgust, when I took my first slurp, it tasted like bad beef jerky. And the color was brown - not green. Before I yacked all over (fearing I sipped on animal droppings or something), I ran to the garbage can where I realized that SOMEONE decided that the soy sauce packets should share a home with the honey packets. NO NO NO. CONDIMENTS NEVER SHARE HOMES. Because when they do - well, you see what happens.
On a good note, I won a new pair of Dolce & Gabbana jeans on ebay today for a bargain and a half (well, I think it was a bargain) - my Dad probably wouldn't. I got into a pretty intense bidding war with a co-bidder for the final 2 minutes, but, I beat out her bitch ass and my bitch ass will be sporting those jeans around town. Don't mess with this girl.
So, that's it for today. Hopefully, my life will pick up because I hate when people read my blog and they start to snore. It's really an ego deflator.
But I do have an idea. We're beginning to plan K's 30th birthday which is coming up in March. I thought I'd open it up to my readers to see where you think we should celebrate.....come on, speak up....there is no such thing as a dumb idea.....well, there is, but, you can't see me laughing at you anyway.
It's official. I'm a HELL of a cook. Thanksgiving was a smashing success - well, at least I thought so. 1.) No one threw up; 2.) No one threw anything on me; 3.) I still have 10 fingers; and 4.) Nothing MAJOR burned. I had one minor mental block against the sausage-stuffed mushrooms. For some reason, every batch I put in burned - I'm going to blame it on the fat-free mozzarella cheese and/or my hatred of mushrooms. But other than the little burnt soldiers, everything else was cooked to perfection - high in fat, high in sodium, and high in alcohol content - the way food was meant to be.
Later that evening, when we could button our pants again, we went out to meet up with the rest of the Venice orphans. It was at this point, that Kirsten and I learned a VERY important lesson. Apparently, in England, New Zealand, Australia, etc., the term "gobble gobble" means, um, "fellatio". Now, although Charlie was with us the entire evening listening to us greet each other with this term (hello? it's the sound turkeys make), he kept it to himself - had himself a bit of a laugh, apparently. It wasn't until K and I introduced ourselves to two gentlemen from New Zealand as "Gobble" and "Gobble" did we find out THEIR definition. So there we were, thinking we were being festive and silly and actually, we gave them all a lot of amusement. The looks on their faces alone was lesson enough for me. So, my friends, the term "gobble gobble" has lost it's holiday meaning. The Kiwis and the Brits have ruined the spirit of Turkey Day for us all. Turkey sounds have lost their innocence.
The rest of the 4-day weekend was spent watching extensive amounts of television and eating ridiculous amounts of leftover food. I am now a size 22 or so I feel so starting tomorrow (because I had a cheeseburger for lunch) I will be starting my "diet". ($10 says I quit after two days.) Stacey, K and I also spent some time airbrush spray tanning each other in my living room which proved to be quite the feat. But, I was complemented Saturday night on the "glow" that I was emanating, so the hour of standing naked in my living room getting sprayed with liquid ice (or at least that's what it felt like) was definitely worth it.
I hope you all had a festive holiday with zero trips to the ER or jail. I'll be posting some more photos of the Turkey Day Venice festivities as soon as K figures out how to upload them to a site that I can get them. Technology is not exactly our forte. GOBBLE GOBBLE - ha ha, just kidding.
So, tomorrow I am taking on the challenge of hosting Thanksgiving dinner at my house for myself and my "orphan" friends. I have accepted this challenge with some serious enthusiasm, and have already begun preparations. Although, I also have begun my "oopsies". To start, I forgot to take the turkey out of the freezer yesterday so now I'm a day behind on the thawing process. Oopsie. No one likes frozen turkey. Apparently, I can soak the turkey in a bucket of cold water, but, I'm banking on the little guy being defrosted by means of frig only. Keep your fingers crossed.
Tonight the marathon cooking begins. I have a full, from-scratch menu and I'm hoping to god that I can pull it off without anyone getting 1) sick 2) disgusted or 3) smacked. I have recruited Stacey and Kirsten to help with the pre-cooking this evening. We need to keep the wine to a minimum, though, for fear that three drunk cooks in the kitchen is no bueno. The ingredients are ready to roll - I just need to locate some ginger snaps since I have no clue what a ginger snap actually is.
I was unsuccessful in my hunt for a pilgrim outfit for Cameron to sport, but, that's probably in his best interest. I just thought it would be funny to show off his new obedience tricks in a pilgrim outfit. Oh well. Can't win them all.
So wish me luck. And wish the attendees luck because if it sucks, I will force everyone to eat it anyway. I'll take pics of the spread. It will make your mouth water.
Every once in a while, I get in my email inbox a "getting to know you" email. You've seen them. They have a bunch of random-ass questions on them and you have to read what is already written and then copy/paste and fill in your own answers and continue sending it out to further kill the productivity level in the United States. As a virus, I sent my answers to some Europeans. We're not going to be the only society to suffer!
Because I think these things are so ridiculous, yet, I can't help but answer, I thought I'd take the liberty of letting you get a glimpse into how I think (in case you can't figure it out yet). These are the honest-to-God answers that I wrote when my friend Dana sent me a "getting to know you" today.
Here goes – talk about procrastination:
If you have time, copy, paste, fill it out and returnit to me! Do not forward 1. First name: Rachel (if you didn’t already know that, I shouldn’t be on your email list) 2. Were you named after anyone? Some chick in the Bible – I think she was a prostitute or something 3. Do you wish on stars? Unfortunately – and sometimes airplanes since I’m not smart enough to tell the difference 4. When did you last cry? Bad subject 5. Do you like your handwriting? yes 6. What is your favorite lunch meat? cheese 7. What is your birth date? October 30th (for those of you who may have forgotten) 8. What is your most favorite album/CD? A mix I made for our last trip to Vegas – the “Kick Ass Mix” 9. Favorite Jewelry not counting wedding/engagementring and why? Bitches! I don’t have a wedding OR engagement ring!! Thanks for rubbing it in. Therefore, I love my “I’m Single” cubic zirconia ring I wear on my right hand because Vogue told me to. 10. Do you have a journal? Yup – therapist-mandated 11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Never 12. What are your nicknames? Ho Bag, Bitch, Rach, Smelly Cat 13. Would you bungee jump? Already did 14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Manolos don’t come with laces. 15. Do you think that you are strong? Which way is the weight room? 16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry 17. Shoe Size? 8 ish 18. Red or pink? Um – HELLLLLOOOOO? 19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Currently? My fat rolls that appeared while laying out by the pool yesterday. 20. What do you like most about yourself? I’m thoughtful and sometimes kind of amusing. 21. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Yes – I encourage procrastination 22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? White hipsters, pink top and pink Pumas (not laces, by the way) 23. What are you listening to right now? Deathcab for Cutie – I just finished listening to Tiffany – yes, Tiffany. 24. Last thing you ate? A sweet potato 25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? PINK 26. What is the weather like right now? 85 and Sunny – gotta love So Cal! 27. Last person you talked to on the phone? Kirsten 28.The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Whether or not he has man boobs - ewe 29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? She’ll do. ;) 30. Favorite Drink? Wine – current favorite is Charles Shaw Shiraz ($2 Chuck – AWESOME) – what’s nonalcoholic? 32. Hair Color? Where the hell did #31 go? 33. Eye Color? Blue 34. Do you wear contacts? Yes – mandated by the DMV - until I can find a sugar daddy to get my the lasik surgery 35. Favorite Food? Anything with fat and salt 36. Last Movie You Watched? The Ring Two - GAY 37. Favorite Day of the Year? New Years Day – clean slate 38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? What kind of “happy endings”? 39. Summer or winter? Summer 40. Hugs Or Kisses? Kisses 41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Another meal 42. Who is Most Likely To Respond? No one 43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Everyone 44. What Books Are You Reading? “They Call It A Breakup Because It’s Broken” – speaks for itself 45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? The Los Angeles Airport – never looked at it before – that’s ugly! 46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? THE RING TWO – you already asked me! 47. Favorite Smells? New Leather shoes 48. Favorite Sounds? Cracking open a new shoe box 49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? The Beatles because they wrote “Hey Jude” for my mom – or so we tell her. 50. What's the farthest you've been from home? I’m 3,000 miles from home right now – let’s just leave it at that. 51. Who sent this to you? Melissa “the mom”
Today was Cameron's first day of Dog Obedience School and holy crap does the pooch need it! I was a little nervous at first that we were going to embarass ourselves in front of other people due to his "minor" case of hyperactivity, but, he actually turned out to be the best one in his class. Of course, today's exercise was for me to hold a chunk of food in front of my nose and say "Cameron, watch", so of course he did awesome. He wasn't looking at me - he was fixated on the treat. But, at least we didn't have any accidents or blood drawn. Works for me. I thought it would be funny if I had him wear a backpack to class, but, then I realized that no one else would find it amusing. They would either run out and make their dogs wear one for real or they would point their noses up. After all - this is LA. So I passed on the backpack idea.
The rest of the weekend has been pretty mellow. My roommate left yesterday for 10 days so I ran around my house last night like a maniac in my pajamas dancing to crappy music. It was quite a release. Normally, I'd go naked, but there appeared to be a bum convention outside my house, so, I spared them the free entertainment. This was after I had a great football day watching my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes crucify the Michigan Wolverines - again. Life is good.
The rest of today I'm hoping to spend on the beach since it's been 85 and sunny all week and all weekend. Once in a while, you are reminded of the beauty of living and paying to live in So Cal. It's the week before Turkey Day and you'd think that it was the middle of July. Meanwhile, my friends and family are digging themselves out of 2 feet of snow - SUCKERS. My pasty white butt is going to drag itself down to the beach and burn off some skin if it's the last thing I do. Just don't be a hater.
I'm off now - squeezing into my bathing suit may take some time, but, I'm up for the challenge. But before I go, I'm going to hold some more food in front of my face and tell Cameron to watch. After all, it is our homework.
Due to my busted nature, I decided to get a little crazy yesterday and go get some acupuncture for my back. I've been considering it for a while, but, I finally jumped feet first into becoming a human pin cushion.
I kind of figured that a 5,000-year-old medicinal practice had to have some validity. Prior to being poked and prodded (medically - ha ha) I like to research procedures and have an idea of what I'm getting myself into (maybe I should try that with my personal life!). Unfortunately, as my wise mother pointed out (a professor of alternative medicine), there is little documented research in the US because all the research is performed by the drug company bitches and The Man is trying to hold alternative medicine down so the he can continue to purchase private islands in the Pacific (ok - maybe I added a little commentary on my own). So, in I went yesterday to a recommended acupuncturist in Santa Monica.
Once in the room, I didn't want to see the needles, although she mentioned that 20 of the acupuncture needles could fit into the head of a regular hypodermic needle - ok, not so bad. The pins didn't hurt going in - although I probably winced each time just for effect. By the time she was finished sticking me, I had at least 20 needles sticking out of me from head to toe. She then left me there to "relax" for 15 minutes. I have to admit, it's a little difficult to relax when you have pins sticking out of your ears but I managed. Although I started to stress out a bit when I raised my head a bit to make sure the tissue under my face wasn't going to give me one of those facial crease lines that take hours to go away, and one of the pins popped out of my ear. Oops.
When she finally came back in (I didn't tell her about the wounded soldier that I'd been staring at on the ground since it flew out), she removed the remaining needles and each time, I could actually feel twinges of energy and movement in each spot - kind of cool.
She then showed me two glass cups and let me know that she was going to do "cupping" on my lower back. All I asked of her was to not let me look like Gwenyth Paltrow when she had her's done with giant circles all over her neck and back. The cupping felt like an inverse deep tissue massage and was not comfortable, BUT did get the blood flowing in all the right places. When she pulled the suctioned cups off, it made that sound that reminded me of when my friend in middle school sucked a yogurt cup to her face and then pulled it off - leaving her with a purple circle around her mouth.
When I finally stood up I could tell that the swelling and pain in my back was substantially reduced - I almost did a cartwheel, although, I elected not to, considering I'd just throw my back out again.
SO, I am happy to say that I will NOT need the jazzy to transport me around this weekend and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get back out there and give my Tivo a rest.
Cheers to the Chinese - they definitely knew what they were doing. Being a human porcupine is something that I will continue to pursue considering not even my extra-strength vicadin could give me results as positive as what this experience did.
As Confucius once say, "Pin in ass helps pain in head" or was it "Pin in head help pain in ass"? :)
Well, I managed to throw out my back yet again. It's truly lovely being NEWLY 28 and busted. I hobble like a little old lady and have not been able to wear heels for the past week. It's devastating.
Because of this, I've had absolutely zilch going on of any amusement, although, I could write a review for any television show or pretty much any new release movie (don't waste your time on "The Ring 2" - LAME).
I'm hoping that I'll be able to move around this weekend so I can get some social time into my schedule, seeing as I'm single AGAIN and need to get out there and make my impression. Although, it might be an odd impression as I may be cruising in one of those jazzy things - you know, the little motorized scooters that old people fart around in? Can you just imagine me rolling (literally) into The Standard or the Sunset Strip on my jazzy but of course, sporting my Manolos? Priceless - I should do it just to get reactions out of people. I'd probably get some sympathy drinks as well. But, can you get a DUI on those things if you ride them on the sidewalk? Interesting. Can people in motorized wheelchairs get DUIs? There's a thought for the day. Hey, I didn't say it was an intelligent one.
In all my crippleness, I've managed to finish all my Christmas shopping plus I threw in a few items for myself because retail therapy rocks. Of course, I indulged in flat Pumas since my decrepit state is only allowing the wear of flats - thank GOD they're in style this year. Otherwise, I'd be hobbling around and driving my Jazzy barefoot. No bueno.
So, I'm sorry to disappoint. My life is boring and my back is jacked. Perhaps my parents should just skip the middle man and put me in an old folk's home. WHOA IS ME.
In the words of Gloria Gaynor, "I will survive." I will again be mobile and show this city who's boss. Until then, feel free to sleep through my entries. :)
So the birthday weekend (yes, it's taken this long to fully recover) was pretty much - da bomb. I must say that my friends went above and beyond this year. Charlie took me out Friday night which was nice but rather uneventful - but at least he remembered - unlike that damn BS. (And to think, I really thought I was going to end up with him. Whatevs.)
Saturday evening I was whisked away by my girlfriend Stephanie (aka: Wonder Woman for the evening) to dinner at a great restaurant in Venice called James Beach. Keep in mind that it was not yet Halloween and the restaurant is a huge date place. She insisted that I dress up so I threw together a "Sexy Devil" costume. So, in walk Wonder Woman and Sexy Devil into a restaurant full of people dressed normal and almost all on dates. We didn't draw any looks - never. Steph found it amusing to stand up in her cape and knee-high red patent leather boots and walk back and forth to the restroom - disrupting many-a-date. Post napkin-dropping dinner, the girls all surprised me at our local hangout "The Whaler" and my biggest surprise of all was my friend, Em who flew in from Seattle. After some shots and some more shots, we ended up being shoved in a taxi and hitting some party with people in strange costumes. The next thing I knew, I was waking up on my couch still in my Sexy Devil outfit with the TV blaring and Kirsten's cell phone (not mine). Oops.
The following day, my actual birthday, was spent sleeping and recovering because we had to do it all over again. This time, they kidnapped me and took me to The Standard downtown LA for an additional evening of drinks and debauchery. Because it was a Sunday, it was pretty slow but the three of us girls managed to tear the place up and convince a group of Australian Quantas pilots to purchase all of our drinks - which was key to the evening. I was forced to wear a blinking "Kiss Me It's My Birthday" pin and a "It's my birthday...." shot glass. Hence, I looked ridiculous but it only got better when we hit the dancefloor. And I mean, literally....HIT the dancefloor. Kirsten and I bit it twice each, but, I'm pretty sure Em managed to stay upright. We also got our photos taken with lots of random people, as shown here. Notice where the pervs eyes are looking. The pilots were very fun to play with because I just don't think that international visitors really understand the humor of brazen, bold American girls. Or, maybe American men are incredibly hardened to our "antics" or they're just rude. Hmmmm. It was great - we said, "Jump" and they said "How high", except in that cute little Aussie accent. I said "Drink" they said "What kind". My kind of men. Too bad they're in a different hemisphere -isn't that always the case?
Sunday was Halloween and you've already been privy to. It was spent posing as St. Pauly girls and dancing with old men (ahem, Stacey), getting THEM to buy us drinks and knocking people over the head with our genuine beer steins. Always good times.
Overall, the birthday festivities were awesome and exhausting. And, throughout the weekend, I accrued a number of bruises - particularly one from when I was telling the Aussies that I was really a FBI Agent with a black belt in Karate - one of the guys challenged me and I got my ass kind of kicked - oops. Hey, it's all in the name of fun. F-U-N. My middle name.
Stacey and I are going into the custom tee-shirt making business and here is our first item up for bid. Let me know if you're interested....this makes even the weiniest arms look hot....of course, Will the model does have some serious guns.....
I'm sorry. That's all I can say. Work has taken over my body and not allowed me to have a life of my own. I highly doubt that you wanted to read about the conference I was attending last week - the only bonus to the conference coverage was the fact that my booth was placed immediately next to the "Las Vegas Properties" booth which had, how do you say, "hired help"? Apparently, start-up companies like to attract foot traffic at predominantly male shows with pretty girls wearing little of nothing. In fact, there was one day that the girl, who we nicknamed "Bimber" was wearing a suit but decided to not button her shirt and allow her custom-made ta-tas to hang out. They attracted quite a bit of foot traffic.
I fought back by wearing a tight skirt to show off my ass-ets. And I'm all real, my friends, all real.
So, that was my life. Not exciting in the least. By the end of the week I thought I was losing my mind being around all the suits, so I decided to zest it up a tad by taking some of our clients out to a "Young Leaders" party and a hot club in LA. Unfortunately, although everyone was under 35, they were all just standing around like bumps on logs with their nametags and suits (yup - they didn't change) talking shop. I was over it. I took it upon myself to start the party. But, even after stalking the dj, chasing after the sound engineer through the catwalks, running through the crowds ordering people to "loosen up", I was still unable to get the stiffs to move. Guess some people just don't know how to have fun. If only I had a beer bong and a keg - damn it. This week should hopefully liven up. In fact, I still have to give the details from my birthday weekend. But until then, I'll go ahead and post our Halloween photo - the St. Pauly Girls of Venice. Enjoy and I promise - I'll give you more juice starting tomorrow.
