Jury Doody

Greetings from the Los Angeles Superior Courthouse. No, I was not arrested, and no, I am not here for a speeding tickets. I am here following through on my responsibility as an American citizen to complete my jury service. What that really means is, here I sit, staring at a wall, and some interesting people, hoping to God that the lady behind the glass wall doesn't call my name.

I've made it through the first half of the day without being subject to the inside of a courtroom. Let's hope that my luck continues. But, I mean, come on. Who doesn't love jury duty on a Friday? Ugh. Of course, being the little pepball that I am, I'm trying to make the best of it. I already finished one book and now I am cruising the Internet and writing to you, because I paid my $4 for one hour of computer use. Boy, thanks. Can you believe that it isn't free? Crappy coffee, no pay, no mileage reimbursement and I have to pay $4 to not die of boredom. Ah, the American way: Get nothing for free.

The first hour of our quarantine was spent listening to the "orientation". The orientation was then followed by approximately 45 minutes solid of the dumbest questions on Earth. Now, I have been told by numerous people throughout my life that, "There is no such thing as a dumb question." I beg to differ. The jury warden (that's what I'm calling her) clearly stated the following: "If you have ANY kind of commitment in the next 7-10 business days, please take a postponement slip and fill it out and you are excused. That includes anything that you must attend in the next 7-10 business days." Clear, yes?

Not for some. Here are just two of the questions that followed that statement:

Dingbat #1: "I have a doctor's appointment on Monday at 8:15 am. What should I do?" The warden responded calmly with, "Take a postponement slip if you want to go to the appointment." What I would have said is, "Don't bother. You are so stupid, you're doctor can't do anything for you. Sit and stare at the wall some more."

Dingbat #2: "Do we have to work tomorrow? (Um, Saturday.)" Warden: "No, we are only open Monday through Friday." What I would have said? "Yes. Be here at 7 am and wait in the parking lot until someone comes out to get you."

Honestly, you just have to wonder. The scariest thing is, God forbid I ever did something wrong and got caught (hee hee), because these boobs would be in charge of my fate. It chills me to just think of it. That, alone, is deterrent to never ever break the law - again.

Well, I'm down to 28 minutes on my $4 computer rental, and I haven't checked the sports scores or the progress of Hurricane Rita, or my current bids on Ebay, so, I better run.

It's good to be an American.

PS: This damn thing has a pop up blocker so it won't let me spellcheck. Unfortunately, some of the "intellectuals" in the room may have rubbed off on my via osmosis, so pardon any spelling errors.

There's More to Life Than A Great Bikini Wax - or Is There?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've been a bad blogger this week. Give me a spanking and let's call it even.

It's actually been pretty hectic up in the world of Rachel, although, none of my time has been spent with BS - yah, the whole "work travel" thing is getting a little hard to swallow. Now, one would have thought that with the pep talk/counseling/chest beating episode he had with Mark he would have pulled his head out of his cute little butt, but, to my dismay, it didn't happen this weekend. So, now he is gone again for two weeks straight. So I sit and pretend to be patient. Bleh.

But, I find happiness in other things - like a perfect painless bikini wax and some new shades for my coiffe (the one ON MY HEAD, pervs). I also managed to save the life of my puppy, pay off my Manolo's, and hide from jury duty for two straight days. All in all, it's been a pretty cool week.

So, in the life of a woman, the bikini line can be a real pain (no pun intended). But, I finally, after 11 years, found the best waxer in all the land. Her spa is called Spa Jones and she's located in Culver City and her motto is: "Cleaning up the Earth - one coochie at a time." Gotta love her. Not only does everything come out straight (again, no pun intended), but it was virtually painless, comfortable and relatively inexpensive. Maybe too much info for you lads out there, but, for you ladies, it's a wish come true.

The flawless wax was followed by an all-important appointment with my hairdresser. Since it's almost officially fall (like we actually have that in LA), I went dark with lots of layers. I said today the layers almost look like a female mullet, but, I think most people would just call it "full of body" and "hip". I still want to tell people I have a female mullet because it sounds funny, but, don't get a horrible picture in your head. I'm still cool, don't worry. But I even scored a scalp massage from the hair washer chick and that was pretty bomb. I love getting my hair cut. Except I hate when people try and talk to me when I'm under the old lady dryer thing. I can't hear shit. So, I just nod and smile. (Hmmmm, maybe I shouldn't do that to someone with scissors.)

My "Super Woman" week has also included a frightening yet proud moment when I had to save the life of Cameron. He was munching away of a disgusting beef wishbone when all of a sudden I heard bizarre sounds coming from his direction. I ran around to him and started screaming "ARE YOU CHOKING?" Yah, Rachel, the dog is going to answer you - choking or not. So, I screamed out to my roommate, "How do you stop a dog from choking? Do I whip him upside down and shake him?" Apparently, Monday Night Football was too much for him to multi-task so I had to take matters into my own hands - literally. I shoved my hand down his throat and dislodged the slimy chunk of bone stuck in his mini throat. Phew. Pet saved. I can handle anything on my own. Girl power - grrrrr.

Finally, to catch you up to speed with me, I've also mastered my TiVo remote (holy crap that took me forever - you think I was mastering the law of relativity or something) AND joined a new gym (it's time for me to drop some of these excess LBS that are keeping me from fitting into anything that isn't elastic). Luckily, the gym is across the street from work, so, maybe I'll actually go once in a while. Watch out Jessica Simpson - I'll be sporting the daisy dukes soon enough.

So, now that you're caught up, I'll try and find some interesting adventures the rest of this week to keep you mildly entertained. I promise, I'll be a better blogger. Forgive me, my friends.

Word.

Proof of Life - In A Man's Brain

Men never cease to amaze me (I almost slipped and said "annoy me", but that would be incorrect for today's entry). Things between BS and I have been rolling smoothly along, except that, well, I haven't actually seen him in the flesh (whoa, that was an interesting choice of words) since departing the love boat. It's not like he's been out mixing it up with hookers and strippers or anything like that. He's been hard at work and traveling constantly for almost 3 weeks straight. I'm about 95% supportive of this endeavor, but, the no face time is starting to wear me down. I understand that we met on the Internet, but, I'm not all about those creepy 'e-harmony'esque relationships where you have four-hour phone conversations but never meet in person. Just not my thing.

My feelings for him definitely haven't wavered but, I'm a female and I need some damn attention. Call me crazy. Well, don't.

Enter my friend Mark. He flies in like Superman out of the broken damn in the first movie....cape and all (I tried to tell him to kick the cape, but, it's like a security blanket or something). Anywho, Mark and BS met for the first time about a month ago when we had a double date of sorts. They hit it off instantly, probably because they like to talk computers and "geek out" together. Plus, of course, they're both good people and love me - what more could you possibly want to have in common?!

Anywho, Mark is an IT Manager dude for a large company and BS's company targets those exact people. SOOOOOO, I put 2 + 2 together and out popped a business lunch between the two of them - sans me, which is kind of crap (Mark gets to see him first - huh?). Now, although I did poke and prod Mark to slip in a kind word or ten during their lunch, I never asked him to do what he did. And for the first time in a VERY long time, I saw wheels a' spinnin' and synapses a' firin' in a man's brain. Mark may be one of the smartest men in Southern California if not the world when it comes to ladies. And, sorry, my loves, he is a spoken-for man with a brilliant young lassy on his side. Go ahead, cry your eyes out.

Allegedly, at lunch, Mark took a few moments to give BS a little lesson in women, this one in particular and the advice he gave and the way he spun it was ingenious. I'm paraphrasing here, but, you'll get the idea. After discussing how charming and hot I was, Mark moved into the whole "BS works all the time and has a hard time sparing time for some quality Rachel moments". And he said it kind of like this:

Mark: You know, I know you feel bad about not seeing her that much and you say that it'll be over soon, but, that's just not how women work. They want commitment to a time table. For example, "Hey honey, I'm really bogged down until the 24th, but, after that I'm all yours again until the 15th." Women need (and this is the best part) facts - not just lip service.

BS: Really? She's been really supportive - and she's hot (ok, I just threw that in) - and she understands that this is my future and my work.

Mark: Are we talking about the same Rach here?

BS: Yes. She understands.

Mark: Pull your head out of your butt and if you want to keep this amazing, incredible, spectacular specimen of what a female should be (hee hee) you have to start PRIORITIZING.

BS: Wow. Priorities. I've heard of those.

Mark: Yes, we all get busy, but, you have to make time for the priorities in your life. Or you will not be successful.

BS: That's such great advice. I am going to keep you on speed dial and tell Rachel I love her and I want to marry her and have lots of babies with her and buy her lots and lots of pairs of expensive shoes. (Ok - I elaborated a little.)

- END CONVO -

Can you believe it?! A man that used words like, "Commitment", "Priorities", "Get your head out of your ass"...they really do exist. [Shameless plug: If you'd like to see more of what Mark has to say on the literary world and other stuff, go to his blog at http://marksarvas.blogs.com/elegvar/ it's a pretty damn good read, if I do say so myself - any man who can say those words to another man is A OK in my book.]

As a happy update, BS has been really putting forth an effort since the Obe Wan lunch to include me in his days and let me know that he is there and we'll have lots of time together in October. Hey, it's a step.....

So, to all you ladies out there suffering through gray area and stupid man moves, it's simple to solve. Set your best guy friend up with your beau and let the good times roll. I'm a believer now that there actually is life in the male brain - sometimes.

With This Candle - I Thee Light

So, I need to preface the weekend antics with the fact that Heather, the bride I flew back to Buffalo for, looked absolutely beautiful and so did the temple and the reception mansion. Although we had a few "adventures" at the reception, it was great fun and truly a beautiful and special occasion that I'm thrilled to have been a part of. And, no, I'm not just saying that because she reads this thing - I mean it. I do have a sensitive side, you guys. Bite me.

Anywho, Saturday was the main event. The ceremony was at the temple and the reception immediately followed at this beautiful historic mansion in downtown Buffalo. And did I mention is was black tie? It was - and, I might add, my friends and I were looking H-O-T. And I am not using that word to describe us as a pun - let's just call it "foreshadowing".

So after the ceremony, we headed to the mansion where we were greeted by a room full of food, booze and amazing candles and orchids everywhere. We grabbed a table and of course some food and champagne and began our evening. As we were sitting there enjoying our delectable treats, we started to smell something not-so-pleasing. Smelled kind of like burning rubber (which reminds me of being in elementary school and it smelled like that everytime they were cooking tater tots - don't ask me - no clue). All of a sudden, Kara shoves her hand to the middle of the table and yelps, "THE TABLE'S ON FIRE!" It was as if life went into slow motion. I looked over at Elena, Elena looked at me, we looked at her camera bag which was DEFINITELY en fuego and the giant flames shooting out of the center of the table. Of course, I never did put down my glass of champagne. We all just kind of stared at it for a moment as if mezmorized by the flaming conflagration. Finally, Kara's husband had the ability (or sobriety) to grab the burning bag, and throw it onto the ground and stomped it out. Because let's be honest, the paper napkins that Elena was using just weren't helping. At last, all was normal again and we were left with a melted camera bag and some excellent looking scars on the tablecloth. Oops. Of course, it was nothing a little rearranging of the flowers and such couldn't help. (Sorry Heather.)

But it only gets better. Elena was rather mortified because besides her act of arson, she had also gotten her heel caught in the air conditioning grate wearing a cream dress which, since the ac was on, blew up kind of like Marilyn Monroe in front of a number of the guests. Classic - and for once, not me! Anywho, after the firestarter went to go videotape the bride and groom's first dance with her partially-charred video camera, she came sprinting back to the table. Out of breath she said, "I'm not the only one! Some lady just" and before she could get it out of her mouth, the smell hit. The heinous, disgusting smell of burnt hair. Sure enough, one of the guests, primped out in a weebit too much hairspray had a Michael Jackson moment and set her hair on fire. Luckily, the smell dissipated within moments and the guest was not injured. Nothing a little champagne can't help. I saw her later and could barely tell! And the candles and ambiance were not injured either.

The evening ended with a typical Rachel moment, though. SOMEHOW we convinced the band to allow me to sing "I Will Survive", our high school mantra, with the live band. This was no karaoke - it was real people! I am confident that I nailed it because no one threw stuff at me and no one lit me on fire. In my book? That's a huge plus. Heather's mom called me a "ham" and you know what? She's 110% right - even after all these years, she still knows me well.

So, another one bites the dust. Another blissful wedding another man and woman out of the dating pond. At least I still have my California girls to keep me company - it's a big pond. I need lots of company!

Postcards from the East

Well, I made it back to Buffalo, once again, in one piece. The airplane trip back was fairly uneventful, which was appreciated since I had my dog in tow. Luckily, I got him really stoned on some doggie downers before we left and he was out for the duration. I think I should try some of those myself on the way home!!

Only two minor incidents. First, some douchebag at either LAX or Cincinatti airport decided to help him/herself to my brand spanking new iTrip that I had hidden in my check-in luggage. Bitches. I called Delta to let them know and they basically told me to take a long walk off a short pier. How rude. So, somewhere out there some buttplug is rolling around in their Ford Escort jamming out to someone else's stolen iPod on my iTrip. Unbelievable.

I'm thinking it most likely happened in Cincinatti because that's where I also had a small run-in with some crazy lady (perhaps on doggie speed) who thought that I was carrying around a two-year old CHILD in my pet carrier. I said, "Yes, people always carry their children in enclosed duffle bag-like carriers. Didn't you know that?" Then, she, for whatever reason, began singing the theme song to Gilligan's Island. Of course, not knowing how close she and Bob Denver (Gilligan) were, I made the dramatic mistake of breaking the news to her that he had passed. She literally began wailing and yelling, "OH GOD NO!!" But, within a matter of moments, her grief passed and she wanted to play the "who else died" game, which is always such a hit at airport terminals at midnight. I left her with Chris Farley dying while excizing his rights to cocaine and prostitutes and she just wasn't having me or my bagged kid anymore. Gets 'em everytime.

Since returning home I've enjoyed some family time and a great rehearsal dinner last night on the lake (yes, we have H2O here in Buffalo) where I got to watch my best friend from high school, an attorney, battle one of the bride's friends from college. I'm sure it's all in good fun, but, it was awesome to watch. I especially liked the part when the college friend shoved her finger in the cake centerpiece and said, "What? I can eat with my fingers. I'm in Buffalo." I thought my girlfriend was going to jump out of her seat and sick her, but, instead she just calmly said, "Yes, we don't own silverware here in Buffalo." That corked her for a while. 'Atta girl. I love weddings.

So, tonight is the ceremony and reception. I learned the traditional Jewish dance last night, so, I'll be ready to roll tonight and impress everyone with my multi-cultural dancing skills. Should be a beautiful evening. I just hope my dress fits. Uh oh. If not, I'll be forced to go to a black tie reception in my pajamas or bikini. I better go figure that out.

Mozzletof!

RachVo

So, my new roommate, Addison, moved in this past weekend and with him, he brought the best invention to grace God's great Earth - TiVo. Oh how we love it. Last night, I spent two full hours programming in my favorite shows for the fall premiere season and games for the onslaught of football season. Then, I sat and watched two episodes of CSI (the original, of course) in less than 1.5 hours!! It's so lovely to be able to fast forward through all the crap that you don't want to watch, like the opening credits, end credits, and, of COURSE, the commercials.

So, as my lard ass is sitting on the couch bug-eyed mesmerized with the tv and it's new best friend, TiVo, I started to think. (Although, it took a while for my brain pistons to begin firing.) Why can't men and relationships have their own TiVo?

Think about how fantastic it would be to fast forward through all the garbage that come with men and relationships (and I KNOW men are all about TiVo for women, but, that's not what I'm discussing because I'm a chick, and that's what counts). He doesn't call for 3 days after the first date? Well, just fast forward through the anxiety and the staring-at-the-phone-waiting-for-it-to ring and onto the actual call. Can't stand the grey area of being in the purgatory that is the time between first date and the "us" conversation? Go ahead and TiVo on up to the conversation. Got your heart broken by some douchebag with no sense of priorities or maturity or beauty? TIVO. Go ahead - fast forward to that awesome day when you realize that you can do without him. Ahhhh, life would be so simple.

I've even come up with a name for the "relationship TiVo": RachVo.

What? Is that self-centered and conceited? To bad suckers. As Lesley Gore once sang, "It's my party and I can cry if I want to."

If only life were that simple. Or maybe, perhaps, the parts in between can actually be the parts that make life and relationships worth exploring. Chew on that one for a while.....

Girls Gone Wild to the Rescue

I must say that it's been a rough week. I had a 4-day weekend that, for the most part, I spent tinkering around the house and, for the most part, avoiding people. That is, except for Saturday night which was one of my best friend's birthdays, and no matter what, you have to put on a happy face and celebrate - after all, life goes on, and I'm sure my Grandpa would want me to rock out.

So, let me explain what happened, and this is NOT for my parents to read, or my siblings, grandparents, or anyone under the age of 18 or over the age of 55 (I can't be responsible for heart attacks). And let me preface the story by stating that I was, for the most part, the designated photographer and not a full-time participant. Also, I only engaged in the activities because I did it for the blog. It's been so blue and boring lately, I had to spice it up. So, I am not responsible, whatsoever, for my actions and behaviors.

Ok. So the main idea was to kidnap Steph with a limo and take her to dinner and roll around in style with some free booze (always a bonus) until the limo time limit ran out. Simple enough plan. So up we came where Steph was being "distracted" with some pre-dinner cocktails. After crouching behind the limo for about 15 minutes (pretty sure we walked away with joint dysfunctions), out she came. We ran up to her whipping confetti at her, which was quite amusing since we hit her with so much and she was surprised, so when she smiled she had actual confetti IN her mouth and on her teeth. I say that's pretty hot.

So back into the limo we bounced. Of course, we wanted to keep our bevs on ice, so, we had 8 girls in the limo plus a giant cooler - so classy. I must say, though, we looked pretty damn dashing. All dressed up to kill....or, er, well, you'll see.

We ponied on over to PF Changs where we stuffed our faces with food in record time so that we didn't waste our precious limo moments. Of course, we couldn't leave PF Changs without first making a complete scene - all in good fun, of course. By the end of dinner, we had the whole dining room singing "Happy Birthday" to Steph acapella, of course. (NOTE: If you ever go to PF Chang's in Santa Monica, can someone explain to me why there is a statue of Mr. Chang giving me the thumbs up sign? Bizarre.)


After dinner, Steph went to the ladies' room, where a young woman walked up to her and said, "I work for 'Girls Gone Wild' and I think your group would be perfect." I'm pretty sure Steph refused the fine offer based on principle and well, the possibility that our brother/father/boss would see us on there, but I still found it hilarious. And, apparently, the idea stuck in our heads for the rest of the ride.

After dinner our driver, Matt, took us up on PCH through Malibu and those fancy schmancy areas. But, we weren't really paying attention to the views outside the limo and I doubt Matt was either. See, I'm not sure how it all started, but, before I knew it, we had finished off a handle of Barcardi, two bottles of champagne and god knows what else, and clothes started flying (not mine of course). There were boobs EVERYWHERE. I truly was Girls Gone Wild in the flesh (oops, no pun intended). I think it began as a dare, but, there everyone was, posing for the camera acting as if they were on the cover of Playboy. It honestly, was one of the most hysterical things I've ever seen. I'm sure Matt the Driver thought it was, um, entertaining as well. And, to add more debauchery to the evening, some of the riders of the limo (no names) decided to engage in a makeout contest - with each other. Holy jese. I don't think I've laughed so hard and screamed so much in my life. It was great. Who the hell needs dudes to have a fun night? Just goes to show that our group of friends are not only fun but are absolutely crazy in a great way.

Now, unfortunately, for all you pervs out there, there will be NO pictures published. We have morals, you know. Don't make a single comment about pictures, because those are under lock and key and no amount of bribery will make me post them (of course, I do love expensive shoes and jewelry - just saying).

Now, Steph did say that she had the best birthday of her life, so I guess it was totally worth it. And who said "Girls Gone Wild" was only for the hot little 19-year olds? I definitely see a market for us older, more mature (yet still way hot) women. But, I promise (to you Mom, since I know you read this anyway), that you will NEVER see my face on one of those videos. I might run for President some day and I'm sure the PTA wouldn't appreciate it.

So, lesson learned: Life does go on and I can still laugh until my stomach hurts. Apparently, my friends were there to remind me of that, and I couldn't be happier.

Man, I can't wait for my birthday!! Who knows what will happen for that!!!!

Signing Off for a Bit....

Ok, kids, I'm going to be signing off for a few days. My grandfather passed away this morning, so, it's time to go into family mode. I guess the Big Guy decided it was time for him to come home. But, he leaves us with heavy hearts and some wonderful memories. Cherish you friends and family. It's all that counts in life. Lots of love....R