One, Two, Three, Four...I Love the Marine Corps!

For the past 10 hours, I've been reliving the title line over and over and over and over (you get the point) again in my head. Why, you ask? Well, let me explain. Here is why I don't ever want to live in a large apartment complex ever again: DUMB IGNORANT PEOPLE. Believe it or not, these people do exist in LA....shocking, I know.

First of all, some people I know are going to kick my ass, but, I need to preface the story with this simple fact: I stayed at Charlie's last night. Ok, the truth is out and consider me bent over for a spanking. Charlie lives in a ridiculously large apartment complex with no air conditioning (since it's on the H2O); thus, everyone sleeps with their windows and screen doors open. This, my friends, is a recipe for a sleep disaster.

I am spoiled. I live in a very quiet bungalow complex where I fall asleep each night to the hushed sounds of the Sav-On air conditioning unit and the broken fountain in the courtyard of our complex that my landlord, Jared, claims is NOT ghetto. Anyway, it's quiet, serene, and everyone is polite to their neighbors.

Not so much at Charlie's complex. Picture me: sleeping soundly with a little bit of drool enjoying a dream about sugarplums and unicorns (because, yah, that's what I dream about). All of a sudden, I am shaken out of sleep by "ONE TWO THREE FOUR I LOVE THE MARINE CORPS. ONE TWO THREE FOUR I LOVE THE MARINE CORPS." For a moment, I think that I have been beamed to Falujah, Iraq and a regimen of hot, sweaty men is running by my bed doing their march songs or whatever you call them (sorry Will). But not quite.

After picking myself up off the floor (the startling sounds of a screaming drill sergeant knocked me out of bed and flat on my face on the floor) I start scrambling around blindly (couldn't find my glasses), screaming, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" After the man screams the same line about, oh, 50 times, we realize that it's some poor schmuck's damned alarm clock.

It is at this point that all hell breaks out in Charlie's apartment complex. Apparently at the same time Joe Blow's alarm decided to go off (er - 3:30am), the LAPD decided to do a hot pursuit by helicopter IN the complex. I know they weren't trying to turn off the alarm, but, I'm pretty sure the pilot was close enough to do just that. Then, to help me sleep even better (keep in mind the Marine clock is STILL going off), the woman upstairs' (who lives in a studio apartment, but, apparently has three separate telephones in case two go dead at the same time) phones start ringing at a level that Helen Keller could hear clearly. At this point, suicide is a viable option. Charlie is laughing hysterically, which is always a good move when you have a cranky woman laying on the floor crying. Blasted Brits.

After a solid hour of, well, basically, HELL, it all stopped. It's my understanding that someone closer to the Marine-lover (who obviously hooked up last night and didn't come home) took it upon themselves to break into his apartment and slam the dreaded alarm clock to pieces. Rock on. Also, the LAPD caught their culprit who may have been trying to escape via canoe. And, 1-900# Helen Keller decided she had worked enough for one night and put the phone to rest.

A hush fell over Charlie-land. And I.....popped an Ativan, threw a pillow over my head, told Charlie to sleep on the couch and went back to sleep.

Ironically, I slept through my alarm this morning and was late to work. Curses.

So, here are the lessons we have learned. 1.) Don't ever get an alarm clock that yells stuff at you. It's rude and annoying and we that sleep around you, hate you for getting one. 2.) If a person's alarm clock is going off and you are within ear's reach of it and they are not home to turn it off due to hook-up status, you have the right to break into their home and smash that piece of shit to pieces. 3.) If a man laughs at you while you are crying because you fell out of bed on your face and you feel like you're in the middle of a war zone, you have the right to bitch-slap him and make him sleep on the couch - with no blanket. 4.) If the LAPD decides to do a helicopter pursuit 8 feet above your roof, take matters into your own hands, go outside with a shotgun, locate whomever they are looking for and take them out yourself. You will get back to sleep faster. And finally, 4.) Sleeping pills are a gift from God.

So there you have it - my night's sleep (or lack thereof). Perhaps it was God's way of saying, "YOU DUMB ASS. DON'T SLEEP AT CHARLIE'S. YOU BROKE UP." Hmmmmm. Food for thought.

As an added bonus today, because I will not be able to update the blog until Saturday, I am giving you a link that will make you, most likely, pee your pants. This is a REAL personal listing from my girlfriend in D.C. And let me just say that she's received a number of responses and some appear to be actual men!!

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/w4m/85915599.html