Housing Anxieties

I never knew that I lived in such a primo pad. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my house (been there over 2.5 years which is LOOOOONG in Rachel years) and I have no plans on leaving, but, I didn't realize everyone else thought my house was so bitchin'. But, apparently it is.

After living with my current temp roommate, Paul, I've decided that it can be kind of fun to have a roomie - if it's the right one. So, I put an ad on Craig's List yesterday and received over 60 responses! I should have asked for more rent! Dang. It feels like match.com for my house.

Now I have the horribly stressful duty of selecting the next person I'm going to live with - EEKS. This requires some wine and sedatives. How do I weed out the freaks? The slobs? The pervs? What if I come home some day and the new roommate is going through my underwear drawer - or worse, WEARING my panties!? Or, worse, eating them like the guy pictured above.

I've decided to live with a straight dude considering they are significantly less drama and don't take up as much closet space (I need that for my shoes) and they never want creative control over the home decoration process because everything is staying as I already have it. Also, I never have to worry about re-enacting the movie "Single White Female" - my shoes are NOT to be used as murder weapons.

I've had good luck thus far with all my male roommates, with the exception of Will who loved to throw open my bedroom door and yell "Oops, sorry!" hoping to catch a boob shot. He never did and that's why I still love him. Plus, men have tools and know how to fix stuff. And, as a single girl, that is helpful; they also take out stanky garbage. AND, usually, they have HOT FRIENDS. Score. See? I always have a purpose to everything that I do.

But this is stressful. What if I make the wrong decision? I've only interviewed two people and I already need Tums. Most everyone seems eerily normal thus far, but I KNOW that there are some serious weirdos out there.....I'm terrified of selecting the next Jeffrey Dahmer or something and then I will end up in a freezer somewhere waiting to be Rachel soup.

I actually got a few inquiries yesterday that I automatically deleted. One was from a lady who worked in an S&M lair and the other was a man who sold drugs. (He actually told me that. I was going to write back that I was in the DEA, but, didn't really want to mess with that.) I guess I'm lucky that they were so forth-coming (apparently to many hits to the head with her spank paddle and too much taste-testing of his inventory), but, they aren't the ones that make me nervous. It's the behind-the-scenes freaks that I worry about. And, again, I ask - how do you screen for that? They should make Freak Tests with multiple choice questions (I'm not big into essays):

Someone cuts you off in traffic. You:
a. Blare the horn and flick them off.
b. Ram them off the road.
c. Drive by giving them the thumbs up headbanging to Metallica.
d. Go home and cut up your roommate visualizing her as the driver.

Seriously.

This is a life-altering experience. All advice is welcome, although I know none of you want this burden on your shoulders.

Excuse me for a bit while I go throw up a little in my mouth.

Update tomorrow.....