WHAT YOU DO?!

Ok, I'm sober again. Like straight hair, it's hard to maintain sobriety in Buffalo, especially when it's 95 degrees with 90% humidity. That and your weight. I think I came home 50 lbs heavier from all the chicken wings and other heart-healthy treats that I ate. But, oooooh, so good. I always forget how good crispy, saucy Buffalo wings are. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

The weekend started and ended with some interesting flights on Southwest. Their commercials should say "Ding. You are free to be a freak in the air." Seriously. Since I've already mentioned the complete lack of attractive men that fly Southwest, I had the pleasure of sitting next to some interesting characters.

From LA to Las Vegas, I sat next to two very tiny, very old Asian women. Although they did not speak a word (breath of fresh air when flying), they both fell asleep within moments of take off. So, you may ask, "What's wrong with that?" And I will reply, "Nothing." But, because I'm me, small, tiny, elderly Asian women became a little adventure. See, halfway through the flight I stopped peering out my window and noticed STEAW (small tiny elderly asian woman) #1 was not moving - and, her eyes were open! Awesome. I pick the seat next to an old lady who kicks it. Her friend was head-bobbing sleeping, so, not privy to the fact that her friend had "passed over", or so I thought. Just to make sure, before hitting my "O flight attendant lady please come see the dead lady" button, I started waving my hand in front of her unblinking eyes. First few times...nothing. Then it happened. STEAW #1 grabbed my hand with cat-like speed and yelled in my face, "WHAT YOU DO?"

Me, never seeing a dead person come back to life while still buckled into their seat, which can be used as a flotation device, screamed and yelled back, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" The asian zombie released my hand and I chugged my Southwest chardonnay. Oops. Last time I try and be a good citizen.

The second half of my flight was spent next to a semi-senile old lady who was worried because "A young, clean cut dark man, I think Iraqi, is sitting up front with a briefcase." Oh wait, she didn't whisper it either. Our troops IN Iraq probably heard her, including the man on the plane - who I think was just Italian with a tan. I proceeded to convince her that unless they were planning on taking down all the pink flamingos in Buffalo, she had nothing to worry about. Again I chugged my Southwest chardonnay and pretended to not hear her incessant babbling. No wonder her husband has a hearing aid - he has the ability to turn it OFF. Wish I had that ability.

I finally landed and proceeded to have a wonderful weekend with my family and friends. Nothing too out of the ordinary, except I ripped my dress at the wedding while busting out the running man on the dancefloor. But that's pretty typical.

My flight home to LA was normal on the first leg to Phoenix. Then I got stuck because there was a monsoon in Phoenix. HUH? Dust clouds everywhere and just my luck. I finally made it on a flight and was forced to sit next to Mr. I-Want-Everyone-On-The-Plane-To-Hear-My-Conversation - and only maybe 10% was appropriate for 90% of the passengers. By the end of the flight, I not only knew his full sexual history, salary history and political views, but I also wanted to gouge my ears out with flaming hot rods...anything to get away from the talking. I honestly don't think he stopped to take a breath the entire flight. Did I mention the "conversation" he was having was with a girl sitting two row BEHIND him? And people say I talk too much.... if only they knew.

So, now I'm home - back to LA LA Land, to the crazy life and my pink beach cruiser. But Buffalo doesn't get off that easy - I'll be back.....