The Rachel Strikes Back

I had the extremely disappointing experience of reading an article written by, what I'm assuming, is a very single man, one who will remain that way for a very long time. Please share in my pain. It's called, "12 Types of Women to Avoid". It is senseless, generalized crap like this that is breeds everything that is wrong with the current dating pool.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/114_dating_advice

This disillusioned, bitter Cro-magnon of a man apparently does not possess the smarts to understand a very simple concept: women NEVER EVER fall into one "category" (unless you're speaking of Anna Nicole Smith). As easy as it is to depict all the separate bits of personality that a woman CAN possess and then toss every woman into just one of those "bits", it's absolutely asinine. But, let me say, that we can do it to, just to show what a stupid theory Mr. Fitzgerald has come up with.

So, I am taking it upon myself to step out of my educated, open-minded self and throw myself into character for the sake of making a point. I, Rachel, am now going to write the rebuttal article breaking down the 12 types of "Men to Avoid". Wait, unfortunately, I don't think there are 12 types, so, I'll get as far as I can.

1. Mr. Tit: This man will do anything for you as long as you have large breasts. If you do not have large breasts, he will hang out with you until a women with large breasts comes into the picture and then it's "Sainara, mole hills." Generally, this man has an IQ of 50 or below and likes to say the word "booby" a lot. He was most likely breast fed until the age of 3.

2. Mr. Rico Suave: My friend recently went out on a blind date with "RS". According to her, he was obsessed with his Mercedes (which I'm sure was merely a C-class coupe), wore too much hair gel, wore white Italian leather shoes, and flexed his muscles at every waking moment of the insanely dull conversation revolving solely around himself. Stay away from this douche. He will eventually bend too close to an open fire and have a Michael Jackson moment with all that hairgel.

3. Mr. Eternal Teenager: This is the man whose idea of an adult date is some Irish Car Bombs and french fries at the local Irish Pub. When you enter his bedroom he has a twin-sized bed with a beer bong hanging above it, a computer with a naked or bikini-clad woman as the wallpaper in the corner and a lava lamp. Most likely this man has a college education, but, drank so much in college that he actually forgot how to function outside the fraternity house. This man will demand that you learn every word to "Old School" and will also say "booby" a lot. He will never commit since the only thing he's committed to his whole life is a pair of tennis shoes that smell to high heaven that he's had since the 9th grade.

4. Mr. Blase: This is the man that could get hit the head with a frying pan and not notice shit. He spends a lot of time in front of Play Station and most likely has minimal brain functions although he can work a TiVo like a champ. Don't date him because you can walk around naked in front of him and he won't notice and then he'll break up with you because you don't resemble the computer graphic that represents Laura Croft Tomb Raider in the video game, since she is his ideal woman.

5. Mr. Playboy: Generally, women swoon for this man. He is financially successful, semi-intelligent, handsome and likes to drop super cheese lines to the women at the Sky Bar. A real catch. He only goes for the blonde super-model types and, like Mr. Rico Suave, conversations will include incredible amounts of name-dropping and self-important anecdotes that are only 14-18% true. He will have self-serving sex with you (lasting maybe 5-8 minutes) and then he will toss you in a cab home. There's no commitment for this hot stud. Just him, his Porche and his hair plugs.

Think about how ridiculous this is? Men and women are different entities - COMPLETELY. There are definitely some people that fall into the extreme "categories", but, for the most part, we are all complete mixtures of all the bad and crazy with a decent dose of some good, credible traits. I'm not so bitter (yet) to believe that people aren't, for the most part good, unlike our dear author-friend Matthew Fitzgerald.

I am a self-proclaimed Miss Feminist, Romance, Elusive, Angry, Insecure, Bitch (for sure), Me, Turncoat, Tease and Controlling. When I'm PMSing, I'm sure there's some of the Miss Desperate and Take, but, that's what hormones can do. And, some day, I will probably end up with Mr. Pain in the Ass, Blase, Eternal Teenager, Play Boy, with a giant touch of the things that make me actually love him.

Until then, I will enjoy all the different traits of all men and Mr. Fitzgerald can go about his lonely, miserable life classifying women into his ignorant, pig-headed categories until all he is left with is his right and left hands.