Farkin' Chowhounds

What is it about free food that causes people to revert back to our evolutionary ancestors? I can understand the desperation of people in third world countries, etc., but, why do people who can afford to feed themselves turn into such raging lunatics when they are presented with free food? All manners, couth and civility go out the window and it turns into a scene from Wild Animal Kingdom.

You know you’ve seen it. Costco free sample days? Weddings? If there is free food, there is also the stench of animal-like desperation. And it stinks. You would think that the caterers have put crack into the food. Freaks.

Example: This weekend was opening weekend at the playhouse that I work at on the weekends. Like all opening nights, the theatre provides a reception after the show that includes free booze and food. This particular evening, the caterers brought in a nice array of fresh strawberries for “make your own” strawberry shortcake. What a classy, aesthetically pleasing idea – BEFORE the chowhounds go at it.

And go at it they did. We stood there in absolute disgust as seemingly normal adults shoveled strawberry after strawberry into their fat faces. Some using silverware, others not. Piling the strawberries into large pyramids balancing on the weak paper plates. Everywhere we turned there was the glomming of strawberries. It was traumatic.

But it gets better.

At one point, in the middle of the reception, a woman whipped out a Tupperware container from her purse and proceeded to load up on strawberries. Let me repeat myself. She WHIPPED A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER OUT OF HER PURSE. I would like to say that this was a stray homeless woman from off the street, but, no, it wasn’t; it was a theatre-going, diamond-ring sporting, Prada-pimping woman with absolutely no shame. You couldn’t help but just stare at her and wonder what the hell was going through her head. You would have thunk she hit gold. But really the only thing she hit was rock bottom.

My lovely readers, please promise me that you will never be “those” people. We all like to get something for nothing, but, a cracker and cheese here or a strawberry there is fine. Let’s not gorge ourselves to a point that you make the bartender want to vomit all over herself. It’s really not attractive. The gorging nor the vomiting.