Check the Box

Why is the federal government so obsessed with my dating life? Sometimes, I feel like ole' Uncle Sammy is filling in for the creepy old aunt type who constantly inquires about your love life. "So who are you dating now honey? Any new beaus? When are you going to settle down?" UGH.

You know what I'm referring to: the "Martial Status" buffet of boxes.

I had the pleasure today of checking the "Single" box three times. Once for taxes, once for my Visa, and once for my passport update. In fact, on the latter of the three, I had to RECHECK it since nothing has changed. BONUS!

I think it is interesting and a smidge disgusting that when I go to check the box (which is NEVER an optional task - my email is optional, but god forbid them not know my love life status), it is almost always the LAST box. You know, below married, divorced, widowed, maimed, decapitated, etc. That says to me that being single is worse than being divorced or widowed (or maimed or decapitated in my non-dramatic phrasing above). Ouch. Why don't they just have a new box that says, "Only date commitmentphobes, men who are emotionally unavailable, alcoholics, drug addicts, men who think they are women and freaks - check here."

As if self-reflection is not enough. We now have to check boxes on a regular basis that forces us to announce to the world that we are social failures at relationships - spinsters. I don't have problem with being single because it's not a negative thing. But when you are forced to label your relationship status, it has a tendency to make you feel a tad bit self-conscious that the societal norms are once again pressing their pug noses up into your face. Do double-divorcees have to double check their box? Do separated people have to disclose the fact that their husband likes to wear women's underwear? Do I have to explain that because I won't settle, I'm still SINGLE? At what point did government forms because the W-2 of relationships?

Let's make it simple and efficient and self-preserving and save the confessions for church:

Here's how the "check the box should read":

If you are married, check here [ ].

Easy peasy. All in favor say "aye".