Clank and Cut

Let me go all Golden Girls meets on you for a second:

Picture it: Sunday afternoon, Venice Beach Pier - two of the girls and I were sitting on the beach discussing life and all of its puzzling enigmas, including: why do people try to push strollers on the sand (Can't I just invent a lock for strollers? Like a bike lock but not); why do really really obese people think it's ok to wear itsy bitsy items of clothing in public; and of course, I posed the question, "Have you ever seen a homeless individual sleeping in a random spot with their face covered and wondered, 'What if he's dead?' and then you poke them to make sure they're not?" That particular question was received with some blank looks and a unanimous "no". Oh, that must just be me.

After those pressing questions were resolved, we started talking on a very important topic. My friend C began telling us about a very attractive male friend of hers who was going to meet us out later. She referred to him as "the kissing bandit" because apparently, he likes to go around kissing babes and running. But, she teasingly calls him that. In reality, he's a really great guy. So, obviously, I ask C, "So, um, why don't you go for him?"

They both looked at each other and C calmly responded with, "Because when you kiss him, his upper lip disappears and you end up clanking teeth."

OH GOD NO. NOT TEETH CLANKING!

I have always had a very strong opinion about teeth clankers: If you are on a date and you clank on the first shot - we can go ahead and call it a mulligan. But, if you clank on your second shot, make like a pinata and beat it. Two people who clank during normal kissing is God's way of saying, "Nope. Move on."

I've been the victim of clanking and I was actually smart and ran away - quickly. See, one, it's uncomfortable. Two, the noise it makes radiates through your skull like nails on a chalkboard. And three, physically, let's face it. If you can't fit together kissing, well, the rest is just going to be downhill so don't bother. Clank and cut. Everyone repeat after me, "CLANK AND CUT".

Very good. Now you have all learned something very important from Auntie Rachel. And who said Sundays on the beach with Barcardi is an unproductive way of spending a day? Because of it, I just saved many a person from withering away in relationships that were never meant to be!

Pat pat pat for me.